I have to take that last part back a bit. I wasn't holding on to something that was empty for me, I was just often insecure about it. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't love her. Cus' I did. I don't have the anger to fill the hole this time. Maybe I'll just let it sit for a while. Soak up a little of this weather, Thanks much for that Dave. I'm gonna go clean things and eat now....

Don't Take it Seriously

So don't go leaving nasty comments about my imaturity or something like that .... this is just me working things out. I started writing this when we got off the phone, and ended at 6am, so it changes. I don't really want comments. I just needed to ramble. I wasn't going to post it, had it sitting in a file on my desktop. Changed my mind.

Well ... thats it! no more intimate relationships for me! From now on I'm going to be a gutter-swilling shauvanistic pig. Cus' I really can't handle another person's feelings on top of my own feelings, and on top of fearing that I'm about to fail out of school at least once a week, and on top of actually doing said school, and on top of having friends outside of a relationship with said person, many of whom I have been neglecting as well. And then there is the stress. Man, this year has turned out to be a pile of crap.

On top of it all, I'm a compleete pussy. I should have just told her straight exactly why I've been so depressed, that often it's because of her. That in my first real relationship, the first time I actually got the licence to love someone, and that some one loved me back, that in this relationship I had my open heart ripped out in the first two months. I should have told her that ever since then I hadn't been able to really open up to her, to really freely love her. It took time to heal, and every time I got close to that level of love I had before the first fall, something happened to put me on my guard again. So no, I haven't been very forward with my side of the relationship. No, I haven't been able to be one of
the romantic studds that you moon over on the batchelor.

And I know you didn't ask for that.

you know what? I'm not looking for a mother. I have one of those, and before you I talked to her alot. It's good to have someone to unload on, and you kind of took up that mantle. And I don't quite see things straight ... because I have been staying up almost everynight to ungodly hours, often because of you. I saw this as a good thing. But the same thing happened with Nancy. I had a long distance relationship, but I still drove to see her every weekend. When I got there, I was often so burnt out that I really didn't want to, or have the energy to, do anything at all. And in the end it was 'I don't really love you the way I should' ... except that it was her who wasn't holding up her side of the relationship.

This time it was me.

I'm still not looking for a mother. I'm looking for a friend, someone to hang out with, who I can be happy with just being with them. Someone who will tell me their problems, because I like to listen to them. Someone who will complement me, but put me in my place. I don't look at what is expected of a relationship, and therein lies my problem. I want to have the trust, unconditional, so that I can give the trust in return. That is what love is for me, the trust to give someone the complete keyes to the person I am.

So in this, I am not just looking for a friend, I'm looking for my bestfriend for life. Someone to keep my trust.

It dousn't mean the same thing you think it means.

I wanted to give Ava the trust. Over the last semester, I hadn't had the energy to put much pizzaz into a relationship. That didn't mean that I didn't want one. That didn't mean that I wasn't ready for one. I was just burnt out all the time. ALL THE TIME. I don't quite know how to handle things. That is true. being all around exhausted hasn't helped....
But does that mean that, in any time of my life that I'm feeling at the bottom, even if for a few months, then I should break off my relationships?

But I'm not going to attack her judgments. It really is my fault that we have split again, and I accept that. I need to change my self and my habits, need to adjust my compass so that it stops spinning madly off in all directions. I thought that I would have someone to do that growing with, but I guess I'm on my own.

And suddenly I look back, and I reallise that there were many times that I knew she wasn't quite the one. Maybe close, but in the end there were slight little things, little shifts here and there. I know I started out thinking this would be just a casual relationship, but as alwayse I have to take the harder roads and go for something more. Which is what I really want out of a relationship. I don't want to dance with your head, and I don't want you to dance with mine. I want you to be in my mind, and I want to be in yours. Thats it. Love, unconditionaly. Maybe it dousn't exist.

Ever get that feeling that your half in your next life, and that maybe there's someone walking around out there steeling all the best parts of it?

Don't Read This

Ever get that feeling, when you don't want to go to sleep, your really depressed, and don't want to be alone ... you don't really want to do anything or really interact, you just don't want to be sitting in the quite of your own head ... or the not so quiet.

I guess being around others just takes your mind off being around yourself, off of thinking about the things that are bothering you. But they are still there, and as soon as the people go away, as soon as you go away from the people, the sinking feeling comes back.

So I don't want to sleep, and I don't want to be awake. I'm inbetween. Thats really how I feel about my life right now. I've been swinging back and forth on an emotional axis ... from the pleasent, almost euphoric felling I tend to get when I'm happy with my place in life, to the dark gloomyness that I'm feeling right now. I tend not to really let it show at all, at least I think I don't. I have certain things I beleive in, a way of looking at life that I like to apply to everything I do and say, but so often I just can't seem to live it on the inside.

I've become an introvert that can't stand to be alone with myself. And I can't sleep untill I'm exhausted.

It's probly not all as bad as I make it sound, It's just that I'm feeling shit while I'm writing this. I mean, it IS exam time, and I do feel like I've failed them all up to this point (I always think like that about my exams). Maybe just putting all of this in words is helping ... maybe I'll feel better in the morning ... maybe I'm waiting for something good to happen ... maybe I'd cheer up if I saw Ava ... maybe I'm bitching and whining about nothing ... maybe I should be happy and try to just make up for the time I've waisted. I know it's selfish of me, but I just really miss seeing her alot.

I was trying to think of a way to wrap this up, but screw you, I'm just going to ramble, cus' I don't want to sleep...

Dave, Jen and I were talking about our 'Utopian Society'. I think we had been talking about how Utopias could never exist ... Which I disagree with compleetely. There have been no Utopias, so how can you know? If you want to look at literature as a reference, well, thats fiction. I think that Utopia as beleived by most people, basically a heaven on earth dealy, probably couldn't fly. It is important to keep things more grounded. You have to try and account for everything, to produce a 'Constatutional Utopia'. Choice and Freedom to choose. That is what is important. Education and encouragement throughout an individual's life, a perfect environment to evolve into, these are the things that would make a Utopia work. It's like Dave's Lobster's today. 80 years old, and the size of a legless calf, by all reconing. How? Biodome! place any specimen in it's perfect living conditions, and that specimen will inveriably break all your expectations 100 fold.

Ask one of us about it, if you really want to know ... which you probably don't, but that's ok too ;)

I'm debating right now if I should go paintballing tomorow morning. I really should 'take charge!' of my life, studdy furriously, and at least pass 266. I should wake up tomorow, do some pushups, make (and eat) a stupendous breakfast, clean my liveingspace, do my laundry and dishes, and maybe paint a little. and guitaur, but not to much.

you know something? this journal thing really does work. I feel a little better now, though not completely whole.

Just don't read this. You'll probably be happier.

Yeah, I figur it's that timt again .... I guess you could call it the 'Monthly Tristan Report' where I actually say something out of the silence of the last 30 or so days .... well, school is hard! and I tend to forget stuff ... like my birth year, and my name sometimes .... not so much anymore, but then that comes with frequent use ;) So I may be failing out of Coop .... and I may not ... most likely, by the way our school seems to operate, I won't know untill two or three weeks into next school year. But at least I have a job for the summer! and a plan! If I fail out of the honours, I'm just going to go ahead with the 3 year degree, finnish next year, and take a BFA! woo art! I really love art, I am discovering. Damn you evil Dan! I lived in the shadow of a bastard (and litteraly one too) who had alot of art potential (but NO creativity I say! bastard) and always kindof implied that I really sucked in comparison than him. And it's kindof funny that as soon as I get away from this asshole of the century, I imediately take to the first art coarse I, well, take.

well, maybe not so funny .... so fuck you Dan! and I don't swear lightly.... no, not you Dan, the other one ... you don't know him...