Don't Read This

Ever get that feeling, when you don't want to go to sleep, your really depressed, and don't want to be alone ... you don't really want to do anything or really interact, you just don't want to be sitting in the quite of your own head ... or the not so quiet.

I guess being around others just takes your mind off being around yourself, off of thinking about the things that are bothering you. But they are still there, and as soon as the people go away, as soon as you go away from the people, the sinking feeling comes back.

So I don't want to sleep, and I don't want to be awake. I'm inbetween. Thats really how I feel about my life right now. I've been swinging back and forth on an emotional axis ... from the pleasent, almost euphoric felling I tend to get when I'm happy with my place in life, to the dark gloomyness that I'm feeling right now. I tend not to really let it show at all, at least I think I don't. I have certain things I beleive in, a way of looking at life that I like to apply to everything I do and say, but so often I just can't seem to live it on the inside.

I've become an introvert that can't stand to be alone with myself. And I can't sleep untill I'm exhausted.

It's probly not all as bad as I make it sound, It's just that I'm feeling shit while I'm writing this. I mean, it IS exam time, and I do feel like I've failed them all up to this point (I always think like that about my exams). Maybe just putting all of this in words is helping ... maybe I'll feel better in the morning ... maybe I'm waiting for something good to happen ... maybe I'd cheer up if I saw Ava ... maybe I'm bitching and whining about nothing ... maybe I should be happy and try to just make up for the time I've waisted. I know it's selfish of me, but I just really miss seeing her alot.

I was trying to think of a way to wrap this up, but screw you, I'm just going to ramble, cus' I don't want to sleep...

Dave, Jen and I were talking about our 'Utopian Society'. I think we had been talking about how Utopias could never exist ... Which I disagree with compleetely. There have been no Utopias, so how can you know? If you want to look at literature as a reference, well, thats fiction. I think that Utopia as beleived by most people, basically a heaven on earth dealy, probably couldn't fly. It is important to keep things more grounded. You have to try and account for everything, to produce a 'Constatutional Utopia'. Choice and Freedom to choose. That is what is important. Education and encouragement throughout an individual's life, a perfect environment to evolve into, these are the things that would make a Utopia work. It's like Dave's Lobster's today. 80 years old, and the size of a legless calf, by all reconing. How? Biodome! place any specimen in it's perfect living conditions, and that specimen will inveriably break all your expectations 100 fold.

Ask one of us about it, if you really want to know ... which you probably don't, but that's ok too ;)

I'm debating right now if I should go paintballing tomorow morning. I really should 'take charge!' of my life, studdy furriously, and at least pass 266. I should wake up tomorow, do some pushups, make (and eat) a stupendous breakfast, clean my liveingspace, do my laundry and dishes, and maybe paint a little. and guitaur, but not to much.

you know something? this journal thing really does work. I feel a little better now, though not completely whole.

Just don't read this. You'll probably be happier.