Not At All What I Was Going To Talk About

Not Forgotten, Just Delayed. But to the forgotten, a breath seems a lifetime.

My life isn't shit. I don't really like complaining about it, cus' for the most part I really enjoy myself and the people around me. I love the things I do, and take pleasure from as many small things in every day as I can. If you ever want to talk to someone about learning to stop and smell the roses, I'm your guy. I'll talk your fucking ear off (explitave for effect). I'll talk your fucking ear off for an hour (explitave for effect).

I do complain. I don't care if I trip a little when I'm walking, or if I spill something on my shirt. I don't get upset when the cat vomits on the carpet, or I screw up a print after five or six hours working on it. Ok, that last one usually gets me a bit miffed, but I get over it damn quickly. All these little things usually just end up becomeing another little source of amusment for me. I don't swear at the uneven sidewalk, or cut off offending fingurs for being clumsy. They wouldn't learn anyhow. I don't put down the cat, and I certainly don't tear up those prints, even though they are pretty ugly.

What I do is learn what there is to be learned, and slowly but surely and at my own pace I change and grow. I'm not an optimist, playing with words and meanings. I make it so. The bad and the good are the same thing: wonderful experience.

I wonder at the little things, but it is People I love most of all.

It is the things we love that hurt us the most, and you have to love a thing first to hate it. I will complain bitterly about people. I don't always truely feel all the things I say past the heated moment, but for that moment I'll bitch with the best of em'. Always after I hunt for the root of my hurt, and almost always I find that what I feel is based in the way a person makes someone I care about feel. I will hate you bitterly, and without remorse, for the way you make my loved ones feel. I personaly will take infinate amounts of crap from you for years without reacting, but the instant you negatively effect Them, you will have to work hard to make me like you again. Comunity service may be required.

I'll always let you try.

Now, what makes it interesting is if I love you too, because love in me is a continuous, even feeling replaced only sporadically by hate or anger (and a little more sporadically by depression, because it's gotta happen!). My thoughts are focused on balance, and I bring my entire life forward with me every step of the way. When my loves are out of balance, it distresses me, often leading to depression.

I don't let my emotions show, though. I could be seeting with anger at you inside without a twitch. This is probably cus' it never lasts long. I'll file you under 'mad' and feel better a few minuits after you leave. If I care about you, I'll certainly stew about it, but that usually consists of imagined speeches and convirsations I'd like to confront you with.

Which leads me to my biggest problem: confrontation (which, incidently, people tend to fear more than Death). I so often just can't do it. There are many reasons for this, that I won't get into. My lack of need to bring bagage along with me through life probably has something to do with it. Given time, I'll just laugh it off (cus' usually it really is funny).

I'm getting better at it, though ....

This has been a piece of my brain :)


Not that any of this matters to anyone but me - I know I'm not the center of the world, but I do so like to be adored ;)