Weekend Update

Summer is good. This was a weekend of good food and good-er friends :) Vanessa's graduation party (congratulations Vanessa!) featured egg rolls, followed by bbq chicken and sausage, and three salads (broccoli, lettuce, and potato respectively), with graduation cake for desert. mmmm, graduation cake. Afterwards, wii bowled in the living room. Next day, Amanda, Trev, Rob, Katrina and I hit up the carousel of nations down by the river side. Expensive, but we snacked on philipeno springrolls, burritos, and nachoes suprime .... all freshly made. Amanda had a henna tattoo done, and we listened to the ultimate coverband as we perused the cheesy fair vendors. Seriously, this band was switching languages and everything. It was nuts.

Looking forward to starting my out of towners game (although I haven't heard back from Jamie in a while. Hope he can still be in it) I've been working on my world almost non stop for months now, and it'll be fun to finally put all that work to good use.

I leave you with some NIN. Doesn't really fit the way I'm feeling, but I really like this song.

"Into The Void"

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

talking to myself all the way to the station
pictures in my head of the final destination all lined up
(all the one's that aren't allowed to stay)
tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

tried to save a place from the cuts and the scratches
tried to overcome the complications and the catches
nothing ever grows and the sun doesn't shine all day
tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away

Ok, time for a new post seeing as all that crap is behind me now. Things have been nice and quiet lately. Some of my friends have moved far away, which is sad. Others have gone to ground, disappearing into Windsor for the summer. That's kinda what I expect from the summer. Seen Joe and Annie a lot more lately than usual, which is cool. Saw Pirates of the Caribbean at worlds end, which was awesome. Had our first successful barbecue, which everyone seemed to enjoy. Overall, summer has been pretty good so far. Still don't feel like I've really been able to relax yet, but I'm sure that will come with time. There are still three months to go, after all.

And now, just to push all the crap down the page so I don't have to look at it, some lyrics I've liked lately....

"Warrior"

When it’s missing then you want it more
It isn’t right
Turning, turning out the door
And back to this
Leave it like it was before
And let me out
Must’ve been the end of the story

Giving it all, giving it all away
You’re gonna wake up someone
Well study it all
The wings, the crowd, your face
You’re gonna end up like one

Well, trouble at home
Travel the way you say
“The road don’t like me”
Travel away
Travel it all away
“The road’s gonna end on me”

Man, they like me
‘Cause I’m a warrior, a warrior
Stand on my feet
Dance the warrior, the warrior
Where would I be?
I’d be a warrior, a warrior

Now the strangers have caught on
And they’re riding in the backseat
The river’s gonna wash all
Yeah the river it spoke to me
It told me I’m small
And I swallowed it down
If I make it all
I’m a make you want me

Hey!

Trouble at home
Travel the way you say
“The road don’t like me”
Travel it all, travel it all away
“The road’s gonna get on me”
And I’m small
The road’s gonna get on me
Well if it gets it all
The road’s gonna end on me

Hey!
Hey, hey!

Like a warrior, a warrior
Dance the warrior, the warrior
-Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Edit ... sort of

I have been informed by certain parties that my previous post has a number of wrong points in it. I would like to stress that this was my perspective on the issue at the time, using all of the information available to me.

I'm not going to change or remove the post, or discuss the details that were wrong here. Thats more of a personal issue, and just because I speak on my blog about some things, doesn't mean I have to air all of my laundry out here.

I have since had a discussion with an Individual that was technically on the opposite side of the event, although I am hesitant to use sides here as it makes the whole thing seem more trivial and catty than I think it is.

The end result of this was something we both agreed on and something I have in fact been presenting along with the story whenever I tell it. Both sides handled it badly in their own way. B should have canceled earlier, and should have confronted A with the other issues involved months earlier. This is obvious, and I think everyone agrees on that point.

The issue I have now is whether or not I should have understanding and feel empathy for A and their side of the story. What I have been presented with is a scenario in which A's intentions were good, thinking that bringing evidence to B that would allow B to go along with the plan that A assumed B really wanted to do, but couldn't because of false information. Unfortunately, A presented their findings in a manner that just pushed B further away and didn't solve anything.

I can't forget A's past activities, and I am sorry to the Individual for that. It is of course commendable that the Individual is willing to give A understanding, benefit of the doubt, and in many ways a clean slate, but that is not something that I feel obligated in anyway to do. I have informed the Individual of this.

As A is very fond of saying, only they can know the truth of their intentions and actions. Since I am not privy to A's thoughts and feelings (being another person entirely), all I have to then go on is the impression that A left with B and I on "that fateful Thursday night" (quotes cus' inside I'm also laughing at the whole thing). I think it's pretty obvious what I think of that impression, and the short of it is that A fucked it up.

So, the question remains as to whether or not I should forgive A for screwing up due to the fact that A is telling me that their intentions were good. A, I have been around you for a few years now, and I am not basing my opinion on this one incident. Your track record, in my eyes, speaks for its self. I feel that I have supported and/or forgiven you your activities and screw ups in my own way for a while now. This issue is relatively small when placed against the background of the rest of my relationship with you.

Since fairness is such an important issue for some of us, I ask then is it fair that I should have to be around someone that makes me unhappy? Should I have to jump on repairing a relationship with someone that I feel has poisoned my living and emotional environments? I don't think thats very fair to me, or to B.

This doesn't mean that I hate you. It pretty much means that I just don't want to interact with you for an in determinant period of time.

I don't think this is unfair.

Thats Dorritos Bold ... But not in a good way

So, here's my perspective:

Person A wants a favor of person B.

The favor was asked a month ago, and the answer was MAYBE. Maybe, as so many of us know, is not yes. It's not no either, but it is most definitely not yes. Confirmation was not asked for until two days before the favor was to be meted out (and late at night, so not even a full two days before), and by this point it seemed obvious that person A had assumed person B really meant yes (which is obviously why person A left confirmation until the last minute). Also, at this point person A decided to let person B know that the favor would have to be completed very early in the morning. Person B, who often is easily pressured into things, said yes (albeit with reluctance). Person B did in fact express this reluctance, which person A tried to argue against (so as to get there way), rather than understanding the uncomfortable position person B was being put in (honestly, asking person B's ex to perform the task with them so person B WOULDN'T feel uncomfortable doing it is both desperate and low). The day after the 'confirmation', Person B was talking with persons important to them, and to the mode of completing the favor, and the persons informed person B that they did not think this was a good idea, and gave reasons. Person B decided to back out of the arrangement, but made sure to let person A know as early as possible. Admittedly, this was somewhat last minute, but since person A also didn't bother to bring the whole thing up again (or give all of the details) until the last minute, should be understandable. Person A was not understanding. In order to get their own way, and this is the bold part, person A went so far as to call up a branch of the GOVERNMENT in order to gain evidence against Person B's reasons for not going through with the arrangement, and proceeded to try and convince person B to keep with the plan. When person B still said no, Person A continued to try to coerce something out of person B, suggesting alternate modes involving person B's family members (and trying to impose on them). Person B said a final no, which no doubt did not sit well with person A.

Person B - good on you for finally sticking up for yourself. It sucks being made to feel like a doormat by your best friends.

Person A - If you truly feel that this person is your best friend, then why are you being so imposing? Why is "I'm not comfortable with this" not enough? Shouldn't you be more understanding where your best friend is concerned, and even let some things slide, even if it's an inconvenience for you? And do you have the right to feel angry for this? You friend has felt walked over by you for a long time, and hasn't been completely quiet about it. It is obvious that eventually the rug would pull out from under you. Is the fact that it happened at the worst possible time for you your friend's fault? Or did you get what you deserve?

The moral of the story is that you should respect and appreciate your friend's feelings, not try to continuously push them to do things they really don't want to do. Unless you really like driving wedges between you and other people.

Not At All What I Was Going To Talk About

Not Forgotten, Just Delayed. But to the forgotten, a breath seems a lifetime.

My life isn't shit. I don't really like complaining about it, cus' for the most part I really enjoy myself and the people around me. I love the things I do, and take pleasure from as many small things in every day as I can. If you ever want to talk to someone about learning to stop and smell the roses, I'm your guy. I'll talk your fucking ear off (explitave for effect). I'll talk your fucking ear off for an hour (explitave for effect).

I do complain. I don't care if I trip a little when I'm walking, or if I spill something on my shirt. I don't get upset when the cat vomits on the carpet, or I screw up a print after five or six hours working on it. Ok, that last one usually gets me a bit miffed, but I get over it damn quickly. All these little things usually just end up becomeing another little source of amusment for me. I don't swear at the uneven sidewalk, or cut off offending fingurs for being clumsy. They wouldn't learn anyhow. I don't put down the cat, and I certainly don't tear up those prints, even though they are pretty ugly.

What I do is learn what there is to be learned, and slowly but surely and at my own pace I change and grow. I'm not an optimist, playing with words and meanings. I make it so. The bad and the good are the same thing: wonderful experience.

I wonder at the little things, but it is People I love most of all.

It is the things we love that hurt us the most, and you have to love a thing first to hate it. I will complain bitterly about people. I don't always truely feel all the things I say past the heated moment, but for that moment I'll bitch with the best of em'. Always after I hunt for the root of my hurt, and almost always I find that what I feel is based in the way a person makes someone I care about feel. I will hate you bitterly, and without remorse, for the way you make my loved ones feel. I personaly will take infinate amounts of crap from you for years without reacting, but the instant you negatively effect Them, you will have to work hard to make me like you again. Comunity service may be required.

I'll always let you try.

Now, what makes it interesting is if I love you too, because love in me is a continuous, even feeling replaced only sporadically by hate or anger (and a little more sporadically by depression, because it's gotta happen!). My thoughts are focused on balance, and I bring my entire life forward with me every step of the way. When my loves are out of balance, it distresses me, often leading to depression.

I don't let my emotions show, though. I could be seeting with anger at you inside without a twitch. This is probably cus' it never lasts long. I'll file you under 'mad' and feel better a few minuits after you leave. If I care about you, I'll certainly stew about it, but that usually consists of imagined speeches and convirsations I'd like to confront you with.

Which leads me to my biggest problem: confrontation (which, incidently, people tend to fear more than Death). I so often just can't do it. There are many reasons for this, that I won't get into. My lack of need to bring bagage along with me through life probably has something to do with it. Given time, I'll just laugh it off (cus' usually it really is funny).

I'm getting better at it, though ....

This has been a piece of my brain :)


Not that any of this matters to anyone but me - I know I'm not the center of the world, but I do so like to be adored ;)

.Battle of the Beards.

question: what's your opinion of the 'abraham lincoln' style beard?
so far it's one for, one against, and one "it all depends on who's wearing it"

Remembrance

I just went through every blog entry in my archives, reading them all. I have come to one conclusion:

I really like me :D

and now, heres all my old poems from the begining of this thing!

Goodnight and Farewell

Tonight I tip my hat to you
I hope you will feel better too
I've found myself a brandnew place
They may even still fill up that space

Don't you cover those pretty ears
I've dried up all these angry tears
the wind is somehow not so cold
even withought someone to hold

The door to my heart was close
but to your knock my heart still rose
so thank you for kindly holding that door
and I hope you will be happy while I try to soar

So goodnight and Farewell
I hope that life treats you well
and that someday you'll find a face
that fills you in your everywere place

untitled

If boys could cry
youd see my eye glisten
but I can not stand to sigh
as I try to my friends listen

And though I love their smile
My child is dead of hearing
And I will feel this for a while
this mile that my soul is seeking

untitled

Give me a clue
Oh lady blue
And whisper your name to me
I'll give you a smile
It'll last for a while
Never again want for love, wait and see

untitled

Lady P, Lady P
won't you come
and dance with me?
cus' I've been waiting for a while
just to see that cutest smile
grace those alabaster cheeks
because you're the one
that my heart seeks

untitled

I'm sitting up so very high,
upon this peak here in the sky.
The ground bellow is an easy fall,
should I just get to the earth and crawl.
Or should I grow my wing and fly,
into the sun, so very high.

untitled

So smile,
just because you can,
and give a word it's wings,
but only if you want to.
Just smile all the same.

untitled

I thought I'd put the walls back up
but then you made them fall
I see now they were made of dust and fear
Old walls
That were never meant to be

seed lulaby

There is a seed
hideing deep inside of me
allways here, and never showing
but deep inside me it keeps growing

And everyone could stop and look
but never see inside of me
deep down this buried, humbled seed
that once she touch my soul to feed

untitled

The sky was shining with silver light
the sun through clouds as dark as night
there to be baptised by the sky
heaven's trumpets loosened pealing cry

And under the crash of nature's sound
a little light would there be found
as fireworks creased the drunken sky
this brand new love made a happy sigh

.Computers Suck.

I was walking to the school one day
to see what I could see
when suddenly a computer did
apear right in front of me

It's lights were all flashing
Red green and blue
"A moment" it asked me
"I seem to have some cpu flu"

So I sat there beside it
A few minutes to spare.
I didn't think that it just might
Take a whole day of my care.

The moral of the story
When a computer is in need
Don't trust what it says to you
You just might get an anurism.

song
Alive in the house of Golden Leaves
We're never alone walking through the trees
I have her and she has me
As we trundle along and see what we can see

Then sometimes I trip but her hand is there
To catch mine when I'm spinning out through the air
She's my best friend and I love her dearly
She's the fruit of my soul, I can see that clearly

#6

Shadow, shadow
go away!
Don't come back
another day!
I will not run,
I will not hide.
I promis I am
whole inside.
Cus' I have been here
for a while.
I've cherished every
secret smile.
And here I'll be
tomorow still.
My given heart.
My wishing will.