Don't Take it Seriously

So don't go leaving nasty comments about my imaturity or something like that .... this is just me working things out. I started writing this when we got off the phone, and ended at 6am, so it changes. I don't really want comments. I just needed to ramble. I wasn't going to post it, had it sitting in a file on my desktop. Changed my mind.

Well ... thats it! no more intimate relationships for me! From now on I'm going to be a gutter-swilling shauvanistic pig. Cus' I really can't handle another person's feelings on top of my own feelings, and on top of fearing that I'm about to fail out of school at least once a week, and on top of actually doing said school, and on top of having friends outside of a relationship with said person, many of whom I have been neglecting as well. And then there is the stress. Man, this year has turned out to be a pile of crap.

On top of it all, I'm a compleete pussy. I should have just told her straight exactly why I've been so depressed, that often it's because of her. That in my first real relationship, the first time I actually got the licence to love someone, and that some one loved me back, that in this relationship I had my open heart ripped out in the first two months. I should have told her that ever since then I hadn't been able to really open up to her, to really freely love her. It took time to heal, and every time I got close to that level of love I had before the first fall, something happened to put me on my guard again. So no, I haven't been very forward with my side of the relationship. No, I haven't been able to be one of
the romantic studds that you moon over on the batchelor.

And I know you didn't ask for that.

you know what? I'm not looking for a mother. I have one of those, and before you I talked to her alot. It's good to have someone to unload on, and you kind of took up that mantle. And I don't quite see things straight ... because I have been staying up almost everynight to ungodly hours, often because of you. I saw this as a good thing. But the same thing happened with Nancy. I had a long distance relationship, but I still drove to see her every weekend. When I got there, I was often so burnt out that I really didn't want to, or have the energy to, do anything at all. And in the end it was 'I don't really love you the way I should' ... except that it was her who wasn't holding up her side of the relationship.

This time it was me.

I'm still not looking for a mother. I'm looking for a friend, someone to hang out with, who I can be happy with just being with them. Someone who will tell me their problems, because I like to listen to them. Someone who will complement me, but put me in my place. I don't look at what is expected of a relationship, and therein lies my problem. I want to have the trust, unconditional, so that I can give the trust in return. That is what love is for me, the trust to give someone the complete keyes to the person I am.

So in this, I am not just looking for a friend, I'm looking for my bestfriend for life. Someone to keep my trust.

It dousn't mean the same thing you think it means.

I wanted to give Ava the trust. Over the last semester, I hadn't had the energy to put much pizzaz into a relationship. That didn't mean that I didn't want one. That didn't mean that I wasn't ready for one. I was just burnt out all the time. ALL THE TIME. I don't quite know how to handle things. That is true. being all around exhausted hasn't helped....
But does that mean that, in any time of my life that I'm feeling at the bottom, even if for a few months, then I should break off my relationships?

But I'm not going to attack her judgments. It really is my fault that we have split again, and I accept that. I need to change my self and my habits, need to adjust my compass so that it stops spinning madly off in all directions. I thought that I would have someone to do that growing with, but I guess I'm on my own.

And suddenly I look back, and I reallise that there were many times that I knew she wasn't quite the one. Maybe close, but in the end there were slight little things, little shifts here and there. I know I started out thinking this would be just a casual relationship, but as alwayse I have to take the harder roads and go for something more. Which is what I really want out of a relationship. I don't want to dance with your head, and I don't want you to dance with mine. I want you to be in my mind, and I want to be in yours. Thats it. Love, unconditionaly. Maybe it dousn't exist.